Libretto by John de los Santos
MARThA
HOLLY
Hi!
TRICIA
Hi.
HOLLY
You’ve brought in more stuff. A lot more.
TRICIA
I’ll clean once I’m done. Please don’t start.
HOLLY
It’s really taking shape. I brought in a lot too. Wanna see? Wanna help?
TRICIA
Holly! This is a lot.
HOLLY
We had nothing left. Strawberries, raisin bread…
TRICIA
Celery, aioli spread…
HOLLY
Avocados, onions, kale…
TRICIA
Truffle oil?
HOLLY
It was on sale.
TRICIA
Holly, this is a lot.
HOLLY
I know, but we were out. Tangerines, mango, lime.
TRICIA
Chia seeds, bok choy, thyme.
HOLLY
Macaroni, crinkle fries…
TRICIA
Cucumbers?
HOLLY
They’re for my eyes.
TRICIA
Holly…
HOLLY
What?
TRICIA
This is a lot.
HOLLY
I know, this one’s on me.
TRICIA
I don’t want… Look, you’re working hard.
HOLLY
I am, and so are you. Trish, I didn’t mean what I said last night. I was…tired.
TRICIA
I know.
HOLLY
Olive branch?
TRICIA
Olive dip!
HOLLY
Strawberries, raisin bread…
Celery, aioli spread…
Avocados, onions, kale…
Truffle oil.
TRICIA
Tangerines, mangos, lime.
Chia seeds, bok choy, thyme.
Macaroni, crinkle fries…
Cucumbers.
TRICIA
Paper towels?
HOLLY
Under the sink.
TRICIA
None left.
I told you.
I did so! Oh my God!
How can I clean?
Really? Again?
You said you were tired.
It’s not the same!
Don’t start!
HOLLY
You did not.
Don’t get mad!
Just be creative.
That’s not what I meant.
I said I was sorry!
We’re not doing this!
Just stop!
HOLLY
That’s it! I’m done! Ok? We’re done!
TRICIA
Are…are you kicking me out?
HOLLY
No. But we need to talk to someone. Someone to help us resolve this.
TRICIA
You know I can’t afford therapy.
HOLLY
I know. But I have a free trail with a new app…
TRICIA
Sweet Jesus!
HOLLY
Hear me out! It’s called MARThA. Mediation and Resolution Therapy Application. “Family got you down? Bestie won’t listen? Ready to kill your spouse? Meet MARThA! MARThA builds instant bridges between opposing parties. Just answer a few questions and MARThA will make you make up!” Don’t roll your eyes, listen! Joel at work told me his girlfriend was about to leave him. They used MARThA and now they’re engaged. We’ve been fighting non-stop, Trish. I’m done walking on eggshells around my best friend in my own home.
TRICIA
I pay rent too.
HOLLY
Are you in on not?
TRICIA
Do I have a choice?
HOLLY
Not if you want to keep living here.
MARTHA
Hello, I’m MARThA. Welcome to your free trial. Would you like to introduce yourselves?
TRICIA
Not especially. Tricia.
HOLLY
And I’m Holly.
MARTHA
I’m pleased to meet you Tricia, Holly. How would you categorize your relationship?
HOLLY
Best friends.
TRICIA
Roommates.
MARTHA
I understand. Our session will unfold in three phases, with three rules. One: Do not interrupt each other. Two: Listen carefully to every word the other says. Three: Always answer with complete and specific honesty, no matter how personal the question. If you wish to pause the session, just say “rest”. To resume say…” resume”. Tricia and Holly, do you have any questions?
HOLLY
No.
TRICIA
Nope.
MARTHA
Good. Let’s make an effort to make up. When are your birthdays?
HOLLY
December 24.
MARTHA
Christmas Eve. Tricia?
TRICIA
October 17.
MARTHA
Ordinary day. Capricorn and Libra. What are your favorite colors?
HOLLY
Green.
TRICIA
Phlox.
HOLLY
What?
MARTHA
Named for the perennial and annual plants in the family Polemoniaceae, phlox is a fiery shade of violet. Completely devoid of green.
TRICIA
Well, bitch knows her colors.
MARTHA
How long have you known one another?
TRICIA
A long time.
MARTHA
Rule number three: complete honesty includes specificity.
HOLLY
My mom started babysitting her when I was two, so twenty-four years.
MARTHA
Quarter of a life.
TRICIA
Uh… rest! Her voice is creepy. I don’t like this.
HOLLY
We can change the voice. She comes with options. How about “Stern Scottish Grandmother”?
MARTHA
Right! Now, listen here ya wee pair o’ bawbags!
TRICIA
No.
HOLLY
“Unassuming Japanese Analyst”?
TRICIA
Mmm…no.
HOLLY
“Humorless German Chancellor”?
TRICIA
Definitely no.
HOLLY
“Candid Puerto Rican Teenager”?
TRICIA
Yes!
HOLLY
No! “Nostalgic British Nanny”? Resume.
MARTHA
Hellooooo, Puddings! Now on to Phase Two! Holly, what do you love about Tricia?
HOLLY
I love that she’s a dreamer. Loyal, brave, she makes me laugh. Trying new things are easy when I’m with her. She’s like a little sister.
MARTHA
Little sister, charming. Tricia, what do you love about Holly?
TRICIA
She’s like a much older sister.
HOLLY
We’re the same age!
MARTHA
Don’t interrupt, Holly Dolly! Come now, Tricia. After twenty-four years, you must find something divine about her!
TRICIA
She’s like an alarm clock. Reliable, focused, only loud when she needs to be. She’s good at things I’m not. Like vacuuming.
MARTHA
Ah ha ha! You make me laugh too! Now it’s fun time! Phase Three, Puddings! Tell me, Holly, what about Tricia do you hate?
HOLLY
Hate’s a strong word. She could be neater. I can’t think of anything else.
MARTHA
Obey my decree, heed rule number three!
HOLLY
Ok. She’s sulky, spoiled, ungrateful, and selfish. She’s hostile to happiness, which is all I want for her. (she mouths “Sorry” to Tricia)
MARTHA
Intriguing! Now Tricia, do your worst.
TRICIA
Holly is perfect… and wants everyone to see it.
HOLLY
Here we go…
MARTHA
You had your turn, Holly Jolly. Go on.
TRICIA
I hate how she aims for perfection. It’s all a mask
HOLLY
Please, as if you…
MARTHA
DON’T INTERRUPT, HOLLY LOLLY! Carry on, Tricia. Why do you hate, Holly, other than her rudeness? Honestly…
TRICIA
Holly never has a hair out of place. Always smiling. Don’t let it fool you. She’ll shake your hand, hold the door, then rip you apart when she gets home. “He’s useless! Stupid bitch!” It’s all I hear when she’s not hating on me. Asking about my art with disdain in her eyes. But always smiling. Same smile since we were kids. She grew up poor, so now being broke is a vice. And I’m the most broke person she knows. She thinks she’s better cuz she works too much. Always smiling. The less she thinks of you, the bigger her smile. And the lies! About being sensitive, being liberal, being healthy…
HOLLY
Rest!
TRICIA
Resume!
HOLLY
What’s wrong with you? Why would you say all that? I’ve held you up your whole life! It’s never enough with you. You had the world handed to you from the start. That’s why you’re nothing now! You’re like your art, hollow! I’m not holding you up anymore. I’m not your mother!
TRICIA
You need help more than I do. Its only a damn app. You’ve held me back! I could never compare. I would have traded with you. Smile, you’ll feel better! You think I need you? You’re not my mother!
MARTHA
Ah, you’re both interrupting! Puddings! Dears! Recall my rules! I’m still listening. So be it. Let it all out. More, tell me more! Like I’m your mother!
MARTHA
That’s quite enough, Puddings. Take a breath.
HOLLY
I hate you.
TRICIA
I hate you.
MARTHA
If you’re through tugging each other’s’ titties, I’m ready to make you make up. Why remain friends so long if you hate one another? Condescending Capricorn! Green with envy over her friend’s self-imposed freedom from societal norms. Listless Libra! Phlox with rage at the fear she’ll mean nothing to anyone, especially her big sister. Yes, like it or not, you are sisters. Seeing your failings in her wins. Knowing enough secrets to keep her in check. Dragging each other through the mud, then helping each other wash it away. You may as well have come from the same womb, so best see it through. Blood is thicker than water, but you can’t drink it.
HOLLY
What the hell does that mean?
TRICIA
Are you saying we can’t live without each other?
MARTHA
(back to her original voice) This marks the end of your free trial. To upgrade, swipe up.
TRICIA
Do you think she’s right?
HOLLY
I don’t know. But… I’m not mad at you anymore. Olive branch?
TRICIA
I’ll make lunch. What do you want?
MARTHA
Perhaps macaroni and crinkle fries?
TRICIA
How did she… you should delete her.
HOLLY
I think she’s great! I’m telling everyone in HR that they should try her out. Lotta morons there who need to make up. It’s a nice day. Let’s get lunch at Kitchenette, my treat. We’ll buy paper towels after. By the way, I’m up for a raise. Been meaning to tell you.
TRICIA
I’m…so proud. Do you really think it’s…I’m hollow?
HOLLY
Of course not. Never in twenty-four years. And this… I think it may be your best.
TRICIA
I couldn’t do it without you.
HOLLY
One for the books. Just like us. Let’s go.